When confronted with the eventuality of global zombification, I feel like it is necessary to take a brief moment and address what could only be described as the single biggest threat to our coming world. While regular humanoid shamblors present a serious risk to the incompetent, research indicates another subclass that is equally in danger of becoming shamblated - one vastly more dangerous than the standard two-legger.
I speak of the "zhark" (or shamblark).
This hideous abomination is the result of a zombie bite upon an otherwise healthy shark. In typical elasmobranch biology, these fishes are highly resistant to disease and infection. In Squall’s Bi-Shamblic Lesions in Cartilaginous Fishes paper (Journal of the Sea, vol. 5, 1955), it is well-documented that a gray reef shark, when attempting to devour a fresh shamblor, suffered a bite to the skin on the left side of its jaw. Within nine hours, the shark had undergone a remarkable change.
The fish no longer required significant forward motion to maintain respiration. Its gill-slits held steady, rather than opening and closing in the typical rhythmic fashion standard for such beasts. Both eyes became half-covered by the nictitating membrane, indicating a state of readiness typically associated with the pre-eating state. And, perhaps most tellingly of all, the shark immediately began devouring the heads of all other fish and seaborne mammals in the test area (including Dr. Squall’s ill-fated assistant, his nephew Gordie, who, inexplicably was neither in the test area nor seaborne nor a mammal).
The famously incomplete Bi-Shamblic Redux Study (referred to as Squall’s Folly in subsequent press) later proved that, no longer needing to obtain oxygen via their aquatic environs, zombic sharks (referred to hereafter by their common name - zharks) are prone to awkwardly flopping onto land with the express intent of devouring the brains of healthy humans. Such land-venturing zharks (referred to hereafter by their functional name - floppors) represent a real threat to all free peoples.
This threat is compounded not only by the countless rows of sharp teeth, but by their incredibly tiny brains concealed within enormous masses of soft disintegrating tissues. Let’s be honest - you can shoot at a shark’s snapping head for half an hour and never hit its brain. Melee weapons’ efficacies are widely diminished by the cushioning effect of the cartilaginous flesh in the heads of the beasts. In fact, according to Squall Jr.’s Effects of Explosion and Romanic Criminal Penalty on Zombic Shark Offensive Capabilities (Journal of the Sea, vol. 8, 1956), the only successful way to destroy a floppor is via demolition-quality explosives and subsequent crucifixion of the remaining tissues.
We can only hope that zombies avoid the sea in the future. Thankfully, their insatiable desire for flesh and preternatural sense of direction should lead them towards the centers of major populations. As of the present time, such population centers are terrestrial. Should the zombie holocaust occur following the melting of the polar ice caps and subsequent drowning of all existing landforms, our floating cities of gold will almost certainly fall to the flopping, ichthious hordes from below unless we are able to develop force-fields, in which case all bets are off.
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