zombiedefense.org’s international research staff has recently finished their bi-annual “Asian Preparedness and Defense Survey” (APADS), and the latest addition revealed a shocking revelation: Korea is such total bullshit when it comes to zombies.
In an area of the globe tortured by the tyranny of technology, most countries are comparatively well-prepared when it comes to the necropalypse. APADS shed light on the critical preparedness steps being taken by people in most Asian countries:
Hard-working communists in North Vietnam have long labored in the rice mines, developing critical skills like fortune telling and the ability to fly.
South Vietnam, embroiled in the throes of revolution, still requires ZPQ’s of all children under twelve, and ritual anti-shamblic circumcision for all men over forty.
The Nepalese, freed from their religious slavery under the Dalai Lama (praise Jesus!), have been spending the last thirty years building a gigantic hammer, capable of crushing thousands of zombie noggins in a single strike.
The elves of Kyrgyzstan have discovered the magic of love for the first time since gaining their wings from the Queen of the Forest.
Years of civil war have forced Myanmar to develop armies of child-soldiers. These armies have been misconstrued by the western media to be terrorists, but APADS proved that those kids are built for pancracking through-and-through.
Sri Lanka, despite being a fictional place, has required one citizen of each village to learn how to turn cola nuts into pistols.
Laos: Michael Fucking Crawford. Get some.
And then we have Korea, jerking off in the coat closet. While the Chinese, Cambodians, Bhutanians, and Maldivians are all sharpening their brain-stabbing sword-spears, Korea’s walking around, saying shit like “I don’t give a shit about zombies. I’ve got the Kia.” zombiedefense.org isn’t taking any of their shit anymore. The next time we bother to send our staff to Korea, they damn well better be prepared for zombie defense. No more of all this “What’s a shambler? Can’t you stop looking at our women? I still don’t understand why I have to wear this fucking hat,” crap.
We’ve heard enough, Korea. Get your fucking shit together. Your people need you. In fact, the world needs you. Wait – no we don’t. Fuck you, Korea. If you can’t take five minutes to take care of your huge potential zombie threat, you can go stick your incredibly hot girls up your ass.
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