The staff at zd.o feels that, next to defense, the most important things to remember following the necropalypse are food and drink. These two staples will be increasingly difficult to find as time passes after ZH0H, as water treatment plants and farms become abandoned. Our research team has created a series of recipes to help the gourmet survivalist maintain his refined palette in the varying stages of societal decay which will one day envelop our shared globe.
Recipes for use within the first week after ZH0H
Uncle Grandma’s Cornpone Jerky Chowder
3 cups cornstarch
2 ears corn (kernels removed from cob)
1 gallon potable water
3 two-inch strips beef jerky
½ cup non-spoiled milk
Over a fire, heat the water in large pan until boiling. Add milk and jerky, stirring until jerky becomes tender. Add corn kernels and boil for five minutes. Just before serving, add cornstarch and stir vigorously until it achieves a consistency not unlike paste. Serve immediately to prevent coagulation into an inedible mass.
The Last Meat Worth Eating Surprise
1 package hot dogs (less than a week without refrigeration)
2 cans aerosol cheese product
8 ounces dried pasta
1 gallon potable water
3 tablespoons dark rum
In a large saucepan, boil water and prepare pasta according to manufacturer’s directions. From a wood fire, scrape out coals to form an even layer, and place a cookie sheet across. Arrange the hot dogs decoratively on the cookie sheet, turning them until cooked thoroughly. Carefully remove the cookie sheet from the coals, and spray the wieners with one can of aerosol cheese. Sprinkle cooked pasta across the cheese layer. Cover with the second can of cheese. While pan is away from flame, sprinkle with the rum. Put pan back over fire and flambé until flames die.
Recipes for use within the first month after ZH0H
If you survive for a month after ZH0H, you’ll be treated to a seriously dwindling supply of preservative-laden foods, having already devoured most of the comparatively delicious canned goods. These two recipes are not only delicious, but they’re also made with the few ingredients that will be left to you.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Stale!
1 eight-ounce bag Cheetos
1 eight-ounce bag Doritos
1 eight-ounce bag Fritos
2 five-ounce cans evaporated milk
1 twelve-ounce can Spam
Using a clean hammer and a level board, crush all the chips into powder. Using your hands, grind in both the entire can of Spam and all the evaporated milk. Form into loaf, wrap in foil, and place in sandy soil. Burn a wood fire over the concoction for three hours. Slice and serve.
Little Debbie’s Nightmare Terrine
4 medium jars peanut butter
1 package Ho-Ho’s
1 package Fudge Rounds
1 package Star Crunch
1 package Devil Creams
Arrange one brand of snack cakes in a steel trashcan lid. Smear an entire jar of peanut butter across the top of the cakes until a smooth, level surface is created. Keep adding an additional layer of snack cakes and an additional layer of peanut butter until all ingredients are used. Cut into wedges and serve with canned carbonated beverages.
Recipes for use shortly after CSB has occurred
Once CSB has occurred, our modern notions of "food" and "nutrition" must change to keep pace with the new world. Without farms and factories churning out fudge-pops and fish trees, we’ll be forced into foraging for any remaining foodstuffs from our old lives. Make the best of this grim future, however with these post-necropalyptic sure-to-be-classics!
Vegetables?
1 minimally dented can of vegetables
2 cups saltwater
1 tablespoon sand
Use rock to smash open top of vegetable can, reserving dented lid for signaling device (or other purpose). Drink all liquid inside, and refill can with saltwater. Add sand, cover the lid of the can with your hand, and shake violently to mix. Drain liquid, and eat the vegetables, adding more sand if necessary for desired texture.
The Slick
1 twelve ounce bottle cooking oil
1 liter bottle liquor
1 box Aunt Jemima Coffee Cake mix
2 fast food packets ketchup
1 Sourwood tree
In large bowl (or dead soldier’s helmet), mix all ingredients. Spread mixture across bed of sourwood leaves, and serve lukewarm.
Recipes for use in the distant future, long after CSB has occurred
In the dark ages of the distant future, all existing modern foodstuffs will be gone. A gray sky will hang above us as we scrape lichen from rocks, only to end up eating the rocks themselves. The following recipes probably won’t survive until this distant time, since any paper it may be printed on will have long since been devoured.
Future Sammich (aka. This Ain’t Your Momma’s French Dip!)
2 eight-inch squares of corrugated cardboard
1 sheet newspaper
1 cup hair (human or animal)
Urine (as needed)
Mud (for dipping)
First, marinate the cardboard squares, in enough urine to cover, for fifteen minutes. Wring dry, and spread hair evenly between the squares to form a sandwich. Wrap the entire treat in the sheet of newspaper, using a nearby mud puddle for dipping.
The Princess Diana
3 Dead AAA batteries
3 Dead AA batteries
3 Dead C batteries
3 Dead D batteries
3 Dead nine-volt batteries
Special tools needed: wire cutters, pliers
Take the wire cutters and cut the tips off the AAA and AA batteries, discarding the tips. Arrange, cut side up, on a hubcap, in a floral pattern with the pliers in the center. Use the wire cutters to tear holes into the sides of the larger batteries, and work into the pattern on the hubcap. Serve by placing the open part of the battery in the mouth, and squeezing the rest of the battery with the pliers.
The Cracklin’ Snapper
1 cup liquid dish detergent
2 cups Gold Bond medicated powder
Small sticks, as needed (preferably red oak or bamboo slivers)
3 tablespoons gunpowder
Mix together powder and detergent (reserving one tablespoon for later use), being careful not to create suds. Dry overnight. Break sticks into ragged-edges slivers, and roll first in detergent and then gunpowder. Wet powdery sticks with saliva, and then dip into detergent-powder mix to serve.
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